By Mary Lynn Bruny
“This text is a reminder of your upcoming furnace check up appointment in 8 weeks. To confirm your appointment, please text ‘C’. We look forward to serving you!”
“This text is a reminder of your upcoming furnace appointment in 6 weeks. To confirm that you will not drive our receptionist Angela batty (things are pretty darn challenging here), by rescheduling your appointment the day before because you found something better to do, please text ‘C’. We look forward to serving you, more or less.”
“This text is a reminder of your upcoming furnace appointment in 4 weeks. To confirm that you will really be home when our overworked tech Pete arrives, please text ‘C’. Not sure how much he looks forward to serving you, but he’s really trying his best to have a good attitude.”
“This text is a reminder of your upcoming furnace appointment in 2 weeks. Please be advised if you need repair parts, they can take up to three months to arrive. They are fabricated abroad in Wayfarway, Malaysia after the metal is imported from Woetoall, China. Frankly, the international supply chain is in chaos. Rusty in Parts is just beside himself, so if you do need parts please don’t call him everyday asking when they will arrive. He doesn’t know and this just stresses him out more. Please text ‘C’ to confirm you will not hassle Rusty if you need repair parts. Let’s just pray you don’t.”
“This text is a reminder of your upcoming furnace appointment in a week. To confirm that you promise not to drive our beleaguered receptionist Angela bonkers (the lack of consistent childcare is making her life a living hell), by canceling your appointment the day of because you need an ‘emergency pedi’ or some such silly excuse, please text ‘C’. Not sure we look forward to serving anyone right now, but we will show up and try our best to do our job well.”
“This text is a reminder of your furnace appointment in two days. Pete the tech will call you when he is 30 minutes out. Then he will call you in another 30 minutes to tell you he is stuck in gridlock I-25 traffic. Then he will call you again in another 30 minutes when he is near crying in frustration and heading toward a deep well of existential despair. Please tread lightly with your response. Poor Pete has been completely overwhelmed since the other techs, Brandon and Jason, left to take jobs with Amazon. Please text ‘C’ to confirm you will be really, really nice to Pete. I think we can all say we look forward to getting this over with.”
“This text is a reminder of your furnace appointment tomorrow. Pete will be swaddled in virus protective clothing and a K95 mask, but of course he’ll still put on those little blue cloth booties that somehow make everyone look ridiculous. Please note that payment is expected at time of service. Due to inflation, we now only accept crypto currency or the deed to your home. You seem like a person who takes care of your home, so the deed is preferred.”
“We are sorry to inform you we have to cancel your appointment today. We apologize for the last minute notification, but it’s just snowing so hard and we all need a mental health day here. Hot chocolate, oatmeal cookies, a cozy blanket and a good series to binge are in order. We look forward to serving you at some future date when we’ve all relaxed a bit and the world makes more sense.”
By Mary Lynn Bruny. Mary Lynn writes about local real estate and home-related topics for At Home Colorado. Email her at [email protected]. To read previous The Lighter Side articles, go to athomecolorado.com/the-lighter-side.
